


Shadows of the past

by Dopt



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Cassian is tired, Consensual Underage Kissing, F/M, Fluff, Jealousy, Kissing, Miscommunication, and jealous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29466114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dopt/pseuds/Dopt
Summary: She wanted answers and Cassian knew he had to give her something if he wanted to have some peace. The problem was he couldn’t lie to her and he wasn’t really sure what his problem was. He just disliked a guy, and he didn’t want to stay near him if he could avoid it. He should also be worried she could read him that easily but that was a problem for another day.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Shadows of the past

Arhul Nemo was nearly the same age as Cassian Andor. They were also the same height and slim built, but the similarities ended there. Arhul was a charming man, always smiling and easy going with a joke on the tip of his tongue for anyone who may want to hear it. And even if, like Cassian, he was also a good leader, his team's specialty laid in sabotage and brute force more than subtlety, so not really the spy way. He got results though, and that was the most important.

Overall, Cassian didn't think much of Nemo. They didn't have to work together often and if it wasn't for the never-ending moving around of the Alliance since the destruction of the Death Star, they may have never crossed path again. Yet, here he was, and Cassian was already regretting it. Even if he was really trying, Nemo's lay back attitude just after another emergency change of location was grating on his nerves. That was at least the explanation he gave himself when he realized he was losing his temper. That, and being tired, because Cassian was pretty sure he hadn’t really slept in more than thirty hours.

But since he wasn't one to make a scene, Cassian preferred to flight and with a few words for the others, he made his way out of the hangar. He hadn't even turn down the corridor when Jyn grabbed his arm.

“What the kriff is wrong with you?”

Cassian blinked, an easy lie on the tip of his tongue, but Jyn beat him to it.

“Don’t you dare pretend everything’s fine or whatever. I know you, so out with it.”

Or what, he wanted to ask, because really, he’s been working in intelligence since his early teen years and he was trained to withstand far more aggressive interrogation than anything she could put him through, but he held the words and merely shrugged. He was indeed tired and for once, he didn’t try to hide it. And since she let his arm go, he resumed his walk out of the hangar and went down the smaller corridors to avoid everyone, but Jyn followed him in silence. 

She wanted answers and Cassian knew he had to give her something if he wanted to have some peace. The problem was he couldn’t lie to her and he wasn’t really sure what his problem was. He just disliked a guy, and he didn’t want to stay near him if he could avoid it. He should also be worried she could read him that easily but that was a problem for another day.

“Jyn, I just want to sleep,” he managed to say when they reached his quarters and for a few seconds, he thought he may have a chance. He opened his door and walked past her but before he had time to hang his vest, she was sitting on his bunk already removing her boots like she intended to stay.

“Make us a cup of that nice tea you have somewhere and then I leave you alone. You're too wired to sleep right now anyway, so humour me.”

Her smile was a bit strained, but he could hear the sincerity in her words. She wasn’t here to pick a fight and he should be relieved, but it made him wary instead. He busied himself with the brewing, looking around his meager possession to find two even size cups and a packet of sweetener while the water was boiling. Then he mixed the leaves and added a zest of najara fruit in each cup and poured the tea.

Jyn had nestled in the corner between his pillow and the wall, and she grabbed her cup with a more sincere smile without moving more than her hand before looking pointedly at the expense of the mattress she left for him to sit on. 

He swallowed his sigh, and settled heavily on the middle of the bed, his back to the wall, and didn’t try to pretend to be pleasant. The silence stretched between them, not really uncomfortable but not exactly enjoyable either. Cassian knew she had things to say, questions to ask, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to explain himself. He didn’t want to think about his feelings, or the causes of his feelings, especially in front of her.

So, pretending to be busy, he forced himself to drink his tea, even if it was clearly too hot to not burn his tongue and he was surprised when he heard her chuckle beside him. Her toes poked his thigh and he reluctantly turned his head in her direction. He really really didn’t want to talk about it.

But Jyn smiled over the rim of her cup and just said, “You won’t get rid of me earlier because you’ve scalded your mouth with boiling water, Cassian. Even if you finish your tea in the next two minutes, I won’t leave just yet. Unless, of course, I really bother you.”

He didn’t know what to tell her, because usually, he liked spending time with her, but tonight…

He sighed this time and removed the cup from his mouth. She was kind of right. The tea was too hot to be pleasant and she wouldn't leave before she finished her own cup anyway.

“I'm tired,” he said again, then maybe to emphasize the point or maybe because he was every bit of a coward when she was concerned, he closed his eyes and rested his head on the wall. He didn't know how much time pass before he heard the rustle of sheet and then, when he thought he could finally be alone and sleep, he felt a hand on his forehead pushing his bangs back.

He wanted to cry, to push her away and to never let her go so of course, he did nothing. Why was she doing this? He wanted to sleep, he wanted her to leave him because he wasn't in any shape to process what she was doing or why and he also never wanted her to stop raking her fingers through his hair and when she pulled on his arm, he came oh too willingly in her warm embrace.

“You're really dead on your feet,” she laughed over his head. He hummed in respond, because really, he couldn't agree more, and he felt like he's already slipping. She said something else he didn't catch, and he just grunted in assent. Then she started talking in that low, soothing voice he barely knew she had, and he lost it.

He didn't how long he was out but it shouldn't have been much more than a few minutes, just enough to loosen the tension in his back and his brain but clearly not enough to help him understand how he ended up wrapped in Jyn's arms. Not that he really had any complain but still, it was weird. Then he focused on what she was saying, and he felt more confused.

“I don't remember whether my mother ever giving me 'The Talk' or my parents being demonstrative enough for me to ask. I was only a child after all when she died,” she went on while stroking his hair slowly, “still, I already knew some basic useful tricks for feminine hygiene, like how to use fern rhizome to make periods protection or some contraceptive contraption. It was kind of weird to have this knowledge so young but I'm forever grateful to have been taught the basics.”

Cassian had no idea where this rambling came from or where she was going but as long as he could stay with his head on her shoulder and her clever fingers in his hair, he would humour her. He was kind of glad, even, that she freely shared some of her childhood memories, even if he didn't understand what she intended to do with this.

“It came in handy later because Saw was the most prudish prude I ever met and if I hadn't known a bit of what growing up female entails, I would have had some nasty surprises.”

She chuckled lightly and Force, he loved the sound of it, especially now that his ear was right by her throat. He would love to listen to the sound more often.

“Weren't there other girls with you in his cadre,” he mumbled onto her shirt, realizing a bit too late that his mouth was also very close to her breast.

She paused and it dawned on him she must have thought him asleep all along, so he tried to get up and blinked owlishly at her, and she smiled at him before pushing him back on her shoulder.

“Sleep, Cassian. You need it.”

“But you're talking,” he pointed out very stupidly, making her chuckle again and how was he supposed to resist her, anyway?

“Yes, and I'll keep talking to help you relax. Then I'll let you be, don't worry.”

It was kind of weird because when they'd arrived, he'd told her he was tired and she'd insisted on coming anyway, like it hadn't mattered and now, she was the one who wanted him to sleep. He tried to tell her as much, but it came out fuzzy. She somehow got it and while playing with his hair, she admitted after a while, “I didn't want you to go to bed upset, but now, you're less tensed, so I'd say my job is done.”

She didn't make a move to get out of his bed and he was glad to stay with her, but when she mentioned again his earlier behaviour and how ironic it was she assumed the role of the mediator, his temper flared up. She was right; he shouldn't feel this way. Not about her, not about what she did or didn't when she's not with him, not about anything. She had a life before him and even now they knew each other, she still had her own life without him. And it was fine. Really. He shouldn't be upset she wanted to go back to her friends, to Nemo, or to anyone else.

As if to prove his own point, he raised his head from her shoulder and pushed her hand away from his hair.

“Yeah, you did well, Jyn, thank you.” His tone was controlled and bored, like it didn't matter, like everything was fine. His mouth just ran itself a bit too much when he added, “And now, you can go back to your life without bothering about me, I'm fine.”

He grabbed his cup from earlier and drank it quickly. It was luck warm and too sweet, so maybe he slept longer than he thought but it didn’t matter. He rolled over when Jyn didn’t move, facing the wall and letting his back open but it was only for a short time, he kept on reminding himself. The mattress finally gave way under her weigh and he waited for the door to open and close, but nothing happened. He could feel movement around the room and if he concentrated enough, he could hear the soft pad of her socked feet on the ground when she went to the 'fresher but she didn't leave.

She came back to the bed and he relented and turned back to her. If he stayed facing the wall, she would understand he was avoiding her. When he opened his eyes, she was there, looming over him with the perfect blank face. She blinked, surprised, and held a hand to him. He took it and he hated himself for it.

“You’re just being silly, Cassian,” Jyn’s smile wasn’t really a teasing one but he still got the impression she was messing with him. He didn’t know what to say so he stayed silent and he watched from the corner of his eyes her lips starting to pout.

“You realize I’m in your bed, right? That I especially asked to be here?”

All playfulness left her, but she looked more distressed than angry. She was glaring at a point just over his shoulders like it irked her to look at him directly. If only he could just sleep and avoid this all mess. If only he had shut up! He knew it was a bad idea. Why did he... he was supposed to be better than this! He was trained to resist interrogation, to avoid saying more than necessary and keep to himself! Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut when she was concerned? And then, everything stopped and the room went dark because Jyn was hugging him like her life depended on it.

“You have to listen to me, Cassian, and to listen carefully because I won't repeat myself, okay.”

She waited for him to nod or move or anything to acknowledge what she asked of him but she didn't let go of him and he regretted having his face trapped on her neck because he felt like he should be watching her now.

“I want you, Cassian. No one else. Just you.”

She breathed in and he gained just a bit of place under his nose to let some air in too.

“Yes, there were other people before you, and some of them were even nice to me. Nemo was one of them. We were young, and I was easily impressed, and maybe he didn't just know how young, and maybe he should have asked, but you can't hate him for it because he wasn't the first and he wasn't the last and at least, he was nice. What we had was never and will never be as strong as what you and I have now. What you and I could have if you just...”

She sighed and it hurt him how long-suffering and sad and desperate she sounded.

“I don't want to ask for more than you can give me, Cassian. I know it's hard, but not just for you and...”

She trailed off and released him. She did it slowly, probably to spare him and his irrational fears as much as she could and suddenly, he felt so much like the jerk he thought another was. His hands reached for her shirt and he gripped the material between his fingers with more force than necessary since she didn’t go anywhere, but he was upset and angry, and it was wrong of him but this feeling had to go somewhere.

He kept his nose down, breathing mostly in her collar because he wasn’t ready to face her. He was really glad she understood him so well and gave him time to process, even if it also stressed him to no end.

“I’m sorry,” he finally mumbled into her shirt, “you don’t have to explain anything, you don’t owe me…”

He sighed because he didn’t know what to say. On the one hand, he didn’t want her to feel obligated to justify her past relationships, on the other hand, he really wanted to know, to understand what happened.

“We never had sex, you know,” she said in the most bored tone he ever heard, “Heavy make-out, if you want to call it that, but honestly it wasn't that much.”

She swallowed and his nose bumped into her throat, making him realize just how close he was but with the wall behind him, he couldn't draw back much.

“In a perfect world, it shouldn't have happened because I was a teen and him, an adult, yes. But he didn't force me or anything, it just happened. We had spent most of the day blowing up people in a Imperial facility so we needed comfort or whatever... Honestly, I couldn't be bother by a few kisses, even between a twenty-something man and a fifteen girl after all the things we've done and I don't understand why you are.”

Silence stretched again because he didn't know what to say. She was right. He knew that because he too had had days like that and moments like that with people he wouldn't care about. Because sometimes, after doing gritty work, you needed to find some peace, some humanity, some semblance of love. He shouldn't mind like that, but he should be concerned she read him so easily and so well.

This whole situation was strange. She seemed to have a better understanding of his own feelings than he had, like she knew what really upset him before he could even comprehend what was bothering him. Maybe he ought to stop denying his heart so much. After all, it was easy to lie there, in her arms and listen to her heartbeat so close to his ear. It's been a long time since he's been such a mess, and nobody else were ever involved, not like this. He didn't know what to do. So, he did what he was really good at, he looked for intel.

“What are you afraid to ask?” He started slow, because he couldn't let his mind trick him to think the worst.

He tried to look at her, but he couldn't see much of her expression in the dim light she must have set while he hid against her shirt. Still, he tried to read her like she read him, to show her he wanted to understand.

Jyn smiled, or she huffed he wasn't sure; he felt like it was amused more than annoyed since she resumed her petting of his hair. Her fingers griped the strands harder than before, to get his attention more than to sooth maybe.

“And what do you think it is, Cassian?”

He blinked, because, really, how could he be that bad? How could he always manage to fail so miserably when she was concerned?

“I had no idea, Jyn! That's why I'm asking you. I can't even begin to think of anything you could want from me."

She used her hand behind his head to pull him to her while she chuckled. He should be offended but he was just dumbfounded.

“Damn it all! How dense can you be?!”

Before he could react, protest, or just comprehend what she was implying, she added, “I want everything, Cassian. Your friendship, your trust, your jealousy, your fears, your joys. Everything."

He blinked again because she didn't make sense to him.

“And what do you think is more than I can give you?” he asked, every bit of his desperation ready to overflow.

Jyn sighed and rolled on to her back, finally putting some distance between them and he didn't like it.

"I want to be with you, Cassian, always and in every way."

She kept her eyes on the ceiling and he wanted her to face him but couldn't move.

"I don't want a messy make-out session in a dark corner after a bad day, I want to kiss you senseless when I wake up in the morning, I want to spend my nights in your bed, I want to wrap myself around you in my sleep, I want to make you come after teasing you for as long as I can wait, I want to see how many times you make me come before I can't stand it anymore, I want to try every silly fantasies I ever had but mostly I want you to understand that I love you and it's my choice to do so and you can't avoid it forever so stop being mad at someone else for no reason.”

He heard her ragged breath as she tried to control her emotion while he tried to understand where he had failed so much, and gripping her shirt again, he managed to ask, "And why do you think it's too much?"

His confusion must have been enough because she just shook her head at him, like he was a perfect idiot.

“Just kiss me, dummy.”

At least, his foggy brain was able to connect with his body, and he moved without thinking. His lips brushed hers clumsily at first (he was still very tired and very stunned) but muscle memory kicked in. Even if he hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, his mouth remembered what to do.

Jyn was softer than he thought possible, and warm and pliant and his fingers unlatched from her shirt to find her skin just an inch away as it rode up when she moved. The swell of her hips fit perfectly under his hand and he pushed his arm under her to roll over on his back and gathered her up along the length of body. Her weigh was so most perfect thing he ever experienced in a bed, especially when he tasted her smile as she came willingly to lie on him.

Somewhere in his mind, he wondered why he hadn't tried this sooner. This seemed like a better way to deal with a bad evening and a lousy arrogant soldier.


End file.
